if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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