I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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