If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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