believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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