"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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