I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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