We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
