I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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