I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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