yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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