Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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