Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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