I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
