i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
