Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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