this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
