Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
