did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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