ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
