I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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