Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
