at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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