Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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