DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Randomize
