my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
