My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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