go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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