i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
