my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
