Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left