ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.