If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.