the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
