Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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