Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize