How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
