The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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