Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
