90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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