I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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