Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize