in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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