Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
