12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
