I'm so fucking centered right now
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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