Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
