Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
