she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
