he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
