i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Sorry about my life...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
