remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
