If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
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