Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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