Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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