My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
