these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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