i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We got so high we made milksteak
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
