Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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