Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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