i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
